Brocade
by Prince Lutin
Summary: Peter, an Ace Trainer from Mauville City, earns the ire of Calvina, an arrogant, pretentious Contest Superstar. He wants to outdo her in a Contest, but after reading one of Wally's magazines, he realizes that Calvina might not be playing fair. Meanwhile, he must deal with his crazy feminazi stepmother and stepsister. Please review!
1. Furfrou, Queen of the Nile

**_DISCLAIMER: _**_I do not own Pokemon or any of the canon characters. They are property of Nintendo. I do, however, own many of the characters._

_This fanfic is rated T for violence, foul language, and other things. It is not for those under the age of 13._

* * *

><p><strong>THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS<strong>

**BROCADE**

**CHAPTER 1: FURFROU, QUEEN OF THE NILE**

One night, in an apartment on Mauville Hills, everyone was sleeping soundly.

We focus on the room of a male Ace Trainer named Peter, who looked passed out like he had gotten drunk. He was dreaming about himself wandering in some dark enchanted forest, with graphics looking like a Game Boy Color game. He walked deeper and deeper into the forest, until he found a village full of hamsters.

"Hello," said Peter. "I'm Peter. How are you?"

One of the hamsters approached him.

"Hamha," said the hamster, who had a voice like Alvin and the Chipmunks. "We're the Happy Hamsters! I'm Mustard Seed. Enjoy your stay here, because you're going to stay here forever, and ever, and ever!"

Another hamster walked up to Peter.

"I'm Diamond Glitter," said the second hamster.

"We've got all sorts of fun things to do in the Happy Hamster Village!" said Mustard Seed.

"I'll stay here for a few days," said Peter, "but I'm a Pokemon Trainer, and I've got an older sister who will be wondering where I am."

"Nonsense!" said Mustard Seed. He led Peter to a room full of marshmallows. "Want to eat some marshmallows?"

"You bet!" said Peter.

"You can eat anything you want," said Mustard Seed, "but don't take from the brook of milk."

"But it's just milk," said Peter.

"IT'S FORBIDDEN!" squeaked Mustard Seed. "Remember the hamster with the gold whiskers who stole from the brook?"

"He lost his head," said Diamond Glitter.

Peter stayed with the hamsters for a week. But then he wanted to go home. So one night, Peter went to the brook of milk and started to gather milk into a few bottles. Before he could make it out of the forest, he saw the Happy Hamsters.

"You have broken the golden rule of hamsterdom!" said Mustard Seed. "You will never escape from here!"

"But I needed a drink," said Peter, "and everyone else was closed."

"Now it's time to punish you!" said Mustard Seed. "Prepare for a brocade!"

"What?" asked Peter. "What's a brocade?"

The hamsters started chanting in unison.

"BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE."

Peter looked forward. He saw that all the hamsters were lining up and blocking him.

"BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE. BROCADE."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Peter.

The hamsters started charging until they trampled Peter.

In the real world, Peter woke up. He was feeling scared.

"What?" he said. "I hate brocades...whatever that means."

Peter looked at the Dedenne doll sitting on his dresser, thinking it was Mustard Seed.

"Why couldn't my friends be there to rescue me?" he asked himself.

The next morning, Peter was sitting in bed, feeling sweaty. He hadn't gotten dressed - he was wearing only a black tank top and p pair of grey briefs. He looked at the time. It was 7:17 AM.

"Damn," said Peter. "Still early. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep here all day."

Peter's sister Linda, a female Ace Trainer, opened the door to his room.

"Peter?" she asked. "What was all that screaming last night?"

"Um..." said Peter.

"Let me guess...another nightmare," she said. "I told you...stop eating all that chocolate before bed. Chocolate gives you nightmares. And stop watching Happy Hamster Village. That show is so creepy. I'm genuinely shocked that it's considered a kids' show."

Peter looked embarrassed because his sister always did this whenever she found out he had a nightmare.

"Ugh," said Peter. "Linda and her food-related nonsense. Big sisters are a real pain." Linda always kept everyone updated on the latest food-related information. He tried to ignore this as much as he could and gorge himself on junk food.

After Peter took a shower and got dressed, he went down to breakfast. He grabbed a bowl of Marshmallow Unown Bits and poured milk into them and ate them up.

"Tonight I am supposed to go to see the Contest Spectacular in Verdanturf Town," said Peter. "It better be good. I'd rather not see that so-called tap-dancing Electrike from last year's competition. It couldn't even dance right. Just ask my friend Julius. He's the dance expert."

Peter heard a knock on his apartment door. It was Julius. Julius was a Pokemon Breeder who enjoyed Peter's company. Julius lived in Mauville as well. The two had another friend called Atif, a Bird Keeper yet another Mauville resident. Julius was considered the voice of reason since he always gave advice.

"What's up?" said Julius.

Peter looked up.

"Just a ceiling," said Peter.

Julius laughed.

"I've got third row center seats," said Peter. "Did you invite Atif?"

"He wouldn't miss this for the world," said Peter.

Peter and Julius left the compound and walked downstairs. They got on their bikes and rode out of the Mauville building. As they rode along Route 117, the two of them looked at the Pokemon Day Care. There was a huge Wailord playing with an itty bitty Skitty. The Skitty appeared to be kissing the Wailord. Atif was standing by the fence, taking pictures.

"This is priceless," said Atif.

"A Skitty making love to a Wailord?" asked Peter.

"No," said Atif, "but that's probably next. Just be thankful that Pokemon are always the mother's species - unless Ditto's acting as the mother. I can't imagine a Skitty laying a Wailmer egg."

"I don't even wanna think about it," said Julius.

Peter, Julius, and Atif made their way to the Contest Hall in Verdanturf Town. They paid for their tickets and took their seats. Since Lisia was not there, there weren't that many crazed fans of hers. But there were other ones.

The announcer spoke to the audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, next in our Contest Spectacular, put your hands together for Calvina Radcliffe and her Furfrou, Fleur-de-Lys!

Calvina Radcliffe walked on stage. She was a tall platinum blonde with a hibiscus in her hair. She was wearing a pink halter top that accentuated her DD-cup breasts and short shorts that looked like bikini bottoms. Her thong was sticking out enough to show a whale tail. Her leather thigh-high boots were made for walking all over anyone who dared to ignore her.

"Ouaf ouaf," said Fleur-de-Lys.

"I hate Furfrou," said Peter.

"I've heard of her," said Atif. "She's supposedly a real bitch. She's even got a criminal record."

Fleur-de-Lys walked on the stage, showing off her Pharaoh trim.

"She is Queen of the Nile!" laughed Atif. "What a stupid getup."

"What kind of stupid name is Fleur-de-Lys?" said Peter.

"And what kind of stupid name is Calvina?" said Julius.

Peter smirked, and then called out to Calvina.

"YOU TWO HAVE STUPID NAMES!"

Calvina looked up.

"Oh dear," she said. "Haters." She turned to Fleur-de-Lys.

"Fleur-de-Lys, appeal with Baby-Doll Eyes!" said Calvina.

Fleur-de-Lys looked at the audience with cute eyes. The audience was cheering.

"Someone pass me a barf bag," said Peter.

"That thing ain't cute," said Atif.

On the second round, the Furfrou appealed again with Charm. And on the third turn, Fleur-de-Lys made the crowd go wild with excitement when she used Return.

"I think I need to hurl," said Peter.

Eventually, Calvina won the contest.

"I win!" said Calvina. "Aren't you just the sweetest thing, my little Furfrou?" Fleur-de-Lys kissed her, and the dog shook her butt at the crowd.

Later, Calvina was in the dressing room, admiring her plastic face. Peter, Julius, and Atif went to visit her.

"Man..." said Atif, "that performance was...how you say..."

"Bullshit," said Peter. "And we don't like your Furfrou, or the stupid outfit that you're wearing."

"Sorry," said Julius. "My friends are a little...immature."

"Well," said Calvina, laughing haughtily, "maybe you boys just don't appreciate art."

"I do," said Peter. "I'm good at figure skating."

"Oh, darling!" said Calvina. "I enjoy the support of my homosexual fans!"

"What the?" asked Peter. "I'm not gay."

"Fleur-de-Lys is a champion," said Calvina. "She's won 219 trophies and ribbons. She can even dance to Pachelbel's Canon in D minor."

"So can I," said Julius.

"You're not a Pokemon," said Calvina. She turned to Peter. "I saw you in the audience making fun of my name. My name is unique, creative, a classic. I was named after my father Calvin. Peter is a silly, old-fashioned name."

"A classic?" said Peter. "You're the only Calvina I know of!"

"Ahem," said Calvina. "Calvina is a name that signifies elegance, refinement, and piety."

"And baldness," said Peter. "The name Calvin means bald. We also saw your butt."

Calvina huffed. "What trashy buffoons," she said.

"TRASHY?" said Peter. "At least I'm not the one wearing shorts that show my entire legs! Or wearing a tawdry paper flower."

"And your point..." said Calvina.

"We also saw you trying to woo the judge," said Atif. "The judge is a married man. And he's well into his fifties. How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-six," said Calvina.

"Ick," said Peter.

"Get out," said Calvina. "I have to eat my Muesli."

"How would you and your Furfrou like a Hertz donut on the side?" said Peter, holding up his fist.

"Back off, you big Neanderthal!" said Calvina.

Atif and Julius restrained Peter before he could clobber Furfrou.

"Let's get out of here," said Julius. He and Atif threw Peter out.

"Go to hell!" Peter yelled to Calvina.

Atif and Julius left.

"Neek hallak!" Atif told Calvina.

Calvina growled.

"Men!" she huffed.


	2. Can't be Tamed

**CHAPTER 2: CAN'T BE TAMED**

Peter, Julius, and Atif went home quietly, as not to be driven away by Calvina's hordes of fans.

"Sometimes I can't believe you, Peter," said Julius. "You and your big mouth."

"Hey," said Peter, "I can't help it if some people suck."

"So," said Julius, "you didn't have to try to clobber her."

"Who put you on the planet?" said Peter. He then rode faster.

When Peter got home, he went into his kitchen and took a tub of chocolate ice cream out of the freezer. Then he scooped it into a bowl and poured little marshmallows in it.

Linda came into the room.

"I saw you on TV," she laughed. "You told Calvina that she had a stupid name. I always hated that bitch."

"You've heard of her?" asked Peter.

"Who hasn't?" said Linda. "She's the biggest slut in the Contest world! She's always causing trouble."

Peter sighed.

"Me and my big mouth," he said.

"I wish Ollie Torres was there," said Linda. "He's a blind Dragon Tamer. You know Jerry, the guy who works at the athletic store? Ollie is his younger brother. Ollie's only sixteen, but he's already won dozens of Contests. He uses an Altaria, but he doesn't have a Mega Stone, so he can't Mega Evolve his like Lisia can."

"He's blind?" asked Peter.

"That Altaria acts like a seeing-eye dog for him," said Linda.

"Cool," said Peter.

"Happy Hamster Village is on in five," said Linda. "Want to watch it?"

"Nah," said Peter. "I'd rather not be attacked by a hamster brocade."

"A what?" asked Linda.

"A hamster brocade," said Peter. "The Happy Hamsters use it to defend the Happy Hamster Village from the evil Lizards!"

"Well," said Linda, "a brocade is a type of fabric with a raised pattern. I think the word they probably intended was _blockade_."

"Actually," said Peter, "the show uses the word _brocade_."

"Whatever," said Linda.

Peter brought his ice cream to his room and finished it up. Afterwards, he lay down on his bed, got under the covers, and took a nap.

Meanwhile, at Calvina's house, Calvina was quite livid at the way Peter had treated her.

"UGH!" she said. "Some people just don't appreciate art - or the life of an upper-class woman." She shot a glance at her maid. "Beverly, take down that hideous Andy Warhol painting and put it in the basement."

"Right away, ma'am," said Beverly. Beverly did not like Calvina, but was one of the few people who had enough patience to work as her maid.

Calvina sat down with Fleur-de-Lys.

"Everyone's so stupid," she said. "Except you, my little Fleur-de-Lys. I'm going to have your portrait painted and have it featured at my art show. How about I portray you with the beauty of a Greek goddess?" Fleur-de-Lys huffed in delight.

Calvina looked outside her window. She saw Wally playing Frisbee with his Delcatty. Delcatty would catch the Frisbee with her mouth when Wally threw it, and afterwards Wally would give her a Pink Pokeblock. Wally accidentally threw it too far and it landed in Calvina's hedge, which was shaped like the Venus de Milo.

"UGH!" she said. "That little brat who beat me at the Battle Maison is outside my lawn."

Calvina stomped downstairs and made her way to the front door. She saw Wally removing the

"What are you doing here?" asked Calvina.

"I'm getting my Frisbee out of the hedge," he said. He looked up at the hedge. "Um...do you really need your hedge to look like a Greek goddess?"

"Filthy vulgar!" she said, running up to Wally. "Don't you touch my hedge!" She grabbed Wally by the wrist and shoved his arms away from the hedge. Luckily, Wally was still holding his Frisbee. Then Calvina pushed Wally down to the ground. She then chased him off the lawn.

"I will not let proles on my lawn!" she said.

When Peter woke up from his nap, he got a call from Wally. Wally was sitting on his bed, wearing a white T-shirt and wearing a grey tank top and a pair of mint green pajama pants with silver moons. He had his plushies by his side.

"Hello?" he said. "Hi, Wally. How are you?"

"I saw you on TV," said Wally.

"I know," said Peter. "Everyone did."

"I heard your insults towards Calvina Radcliffe," said Wally. "Personally, I don't like her, either. I used to like her until she cursed at me when I asked for her autograph. She definitely has issues to work out. She's just like Jordan Moseley and Alexandra Crowley."

"What is with these prima donnas?" asked Peter.

"I don't know," said Wally. "But if there's one thing about Calvina Radcliffe, it's the fact that she can't be tamed. S"

"I should try going against her in a Contest," said Peter.

"But you've never entered a Contest," said Wally.

"I have a Contest Pass," said Peter.

"Maybe you can give it a try," said Wally. "I personally find Contests to be hard to sit through - they're too loud."

"Nah," said Peter. "Hmm...maybe I'll come over to your place tomorrow. Atif has an appointment with the foot doctor that day, but Julius should be able to come. Speaking of foot, I must be sitting on my foot."

"I hate when that happens," said Wally. "It always prevents me from walking." Wally cleared his throat. "Anyway, it's starting to get late. My aunt's making dinner right now. We're having stuffed shells. By the way, you're always welcome to come to my house."

"Okay," said Peter. "I'll stop by tomorrow. Later!"

"See you tomorrow, Peter," said Wally.

Peter hung up. Then he turned on the TV. The show was called _The Love Doctor_. The Love Doctor was a big black man with a deep, soulful voice like Lou Rawls. His pimp coat kind of looked like Macklemore's.

_Hello, babies. This is The Love Doctor, here to fix your romantic problems. Baby..._

"This is my favorite talk show," said Peter. "The Love Doctor always has the dumbest people on here."

Peter enjoyed watching all of the crazy love talk on the show. Today's episode was about a woman whose husband was cheating on her with her stepmother. Peter hated stepmothers more than anything else in the world. He had a particularly nasty stepmother named Trisha. Peter's mother died when he was fourteen, and his father had remarried a few months ago. Trisha moved in with her grown daughter named Greer. As soon as Trisha moved in, she took complete control of the house and ruled with an iron fist. Trisha and her daughter were feminazis and made Peter and her father do all the housework. She wouldn't let Peter play video games because she said they were demeaning to women. It got so bad that Linda took Peter to Mauville to live with her.

"This makes me glad I've left Slateport," said Peter. "I can't imagine having to stay with that awful Trisha. Or Greer and her Tumblr." Greer was a social justice warrior.

Peter couldn't stop laughing at the stupid show on the TV, which seemed to make him forget about Calvina. At least, for the time being...

An hour later, after the show ended, Peter's sister called him for dinner.

"Peter! Time for dinner!"

Peter got up, put on his shirt and capris, and went to have dinner with his sister.


	3. Social Justice Nuts

**CHAPTER 3: SOCIAL JUSTICE NUTS**

The next day, Peter decided to go to Wally's house. Wally rushed downstairs to see Peter.

"Hello, Peter," said Wally. "My aunt and uncle aren't home, but you can come upstairs if you want to."

Peter and Wally went upstairs to Wally's room. Peter looked in the room. Wally's room was full of plushies - Wally adored plushies. He also had the latest Happy Hamster Village DVD. First, Peter and Wally watched the DVD. After the show was over, Peter talked to Wally.

"Hey Wally," said Peter. "Do you think that I could borrow one of your magazines?"

"Sure," said Wally, "but they're all old. I hope that's not a problem."

"Nah," said Peter. "I don't mind." He looked through the magazines. He found one with Calvina Radcliffe's picture on it. "Ooh - this one must be good!"

Peter looked through the magazine. It was a tabloid. He laughed as he looked through the pictures. When he found a picture of Calvina, he saw that it was very shocking. The picture claimed that Calvina was teaching her Pokemon moves that they could not legitimately learn. There was a rumor that her Furfrou knew Sweet Kiss, which a Furfrou cannot normally learn. But it had yet to be confirmed.

"I knew it," said Peter. "She's cheating!"

"It has yet to be confirmed," said Wally. "No one knows what her Furfrou's fourth move is because she never tells anyone. Some people believe that her Furfrou only knows three moves. The Contest Spectacular specifically says that Pokemon with illegal moves cannot enter the contest, because that wouldn't be fair. There's also rumors that her Furfrou is using illegal substances. People use them to teach Pokemon moves they cannot naturally learn."

Peter burst out laughing.

"You could always ask your friend, Atif Himsi, PhD," said Wally. Atif was good at analyzing chemicals. "But first, we needed a sample of Fleur-de-Lys' hair."

"Right," said Peter. "Only one eensy weensy problem...THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY TO GET A HAIR FROM THAT THING! Calvina guards it like it's the Ark of the Covenant or something. How are we going to get a hair from its coat?"

"Um..." said Wally, "I don't think I want to help out. I'd rather not be the one to salvage a dumb pseudo-celebrity's reputation. I'd sooner jump off the Sky Pillar without a parachute. Uh, I'd rather not think about that."

"Maybe I can dig up through the garbage," said Peter. "Furfrou shed fur everywhere. Such nasty creatures. Maybe we can break into her house and look for a sample of her Furfrou's hair."

"I think it would be better to wait until the next contest," said Wally.

"And take some from the dressing room?" asked Peter.

"Whatever," said Wally. "She's gonna be back Friday."

When Peter got home, he sat down on his bed and gave Atif a phone call.

"Hello?" said Atif.

"Hi," said Peter. "I got a favor for you. On Friday - the next contest - help me take a sample of Fleur-de-Lys' hair from the dressing room and analyze it."

"You mean pick hair off of her?" asked Atif.

"No," said Peter. "We'll look through the dressing room - either on the floor or in the garbage. Rumor has it that Calvina don't clean up after herself. And another favor - when Calvina isn't home, let's TP her hedges. Let's get our friend Maria to supply the toilet paper - she always gets the quilted kind."

"I guess we could do that," said Atif. "Which hedge are we going to ruin?"

"The one of herself looking like a Greek goddess," said Peter, "and the one of her mangy mutt."

"Definitely," said Atif. "That will show her how ugly her hedges are!"

"If she's egotistical enough to make a hedge of herself as a Greek goddess," said Peter, "then she definitely deserves it."

"We've got several more days," said Atif. "I'll call Julius. He might not agree with our plan, but he will probably get a kick out of this thing."

"Maybe..." said Peter.

Later, that evening, Peter sat in his bed, with his capris and outer shirt off as usual. He was reading a book. On his nightstand was a strawberry marshmallow cream shake. He was allowed to have food in his room, but if he spilled anything, he had to clean it up. Linda sure spoiled him - she really wanted to make it up to him for having to spend three weeks of mistreatment by his stepmother and stepsister.

Then, suddenly, he heard a voice from the kitchen. He got up, went to the door, and listened.

"I, for one, think if men stayed inside at night, then it wouldn't be dangerous for women to go out at night! Teen boys aren't saints, you know."

"Uh-oh," said Peter. "It's my stepmother!"

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Linda was serving some salad and tea with a side of bottled mineral water to Trisha and Greer. Trisha was a dark-haired, brown-eyed, pale-skinned woman wearing a pink shirt with the feminist symbol on it. Greer was a skinny girl with half her head shaved and the other half with obviously-bleached pink hair, hipster glasses, two moles on the left side of her face, and multiple piercings.

"This salad is good," said Greer. "You have really outdone yourself, sis!"

"I'm glad you like it," said Linda.

"Really," said Greer, "you should be vegan too. All of my mom's feminist forum are doing it."

"Nah," said Linda. "My current dieting plan includes meat. Sorry!"

"Damn," said Greer.

"And by the way," said Linda, "whatever you do, DO NOT even go near Peter's room. He's gonna flip out if you disturb him."

"That's because he's living under a rock of male privilege," said Trisha. "Just what we need: complaining from the patriarchy."

"He's only sixteen," said Linda. "There's no way my brother could be part of any so-called 'patriarchy'."

"Aw, shit!" said Peter. "I forgot that today was the day that they were stopping by for dinner. Luckily, I already finished my dinner. Don't have to worry about them."

Peter cowered in fear for a bit, and then got back to eating his cream shake. He didn't get out of his room until Linda, Trisha, and Greer stepped outside. His Froslass, Snowdrop, took his cream shake to the sink. Peter also used that time to use the bathroom, and went back to his room as soon as he heard the doorknob turning.

After Trisha and Greer were gone, Linda went to check on Peter. He was lying down in his bed.

"Hi," said Linda. "Thanks for staying in your room while our stepmother came to visit. It saved me a lot of grief. And thanks for keeping your Pokemon in your room. Trisha and Greer think Pokemon battling is cruel."

"I wish she wouldn't rant about her feminist beliefs," said Peter.

"I don't consider her a true feminist," said Linda. "Real feminists care about the rights of everyone, female and male."

"Still," said Peter, "I wish she wouldn't come to our apartment."

"I wish not, either," said Linda.

Peter plopped down on his bed.


	4. Photo Finish

**CHAPTER 4: PHOTO FINISH**

Before Peter went to bed, he reminisced about his beloved mother. Peter's mother, Barbara, had died of a cerebral hemorrhage when he was fourteen. As one would expect, she was a kind woman. She had green hair like her children.

Peter kept several keepsakes of his mother. The first was a doll of Marth from Fire Emblem. She had helped him make it a few months before her death. Peter viewed the doll as special because it was one of the last things she made before her death. He was able to save it from Trisha because she had destroyed a number of his belongings. The second was a book that she used to read to him as a little kid. It was about a princess who went on a journey with a deer and a cat and met an evil parrot. The third was a photo album of pictures of him with his mother.

"Boy do I miss her," said Peter.

The next day, Peter went to visit Atif to see if he had uncovered anything else. He brought Julius along with him.

"So," said Atif, "I heard about that stuff about Calvina. I've been suspecting for a long time that she was doing something illegal with her Pokemon. But I just can't get myself to believe that she would go down without a fight. She's one high-strung jerk."

"Yeah," said Peter. "It's bad enough that I have to deal with that harridan who calls herself my stepmother. Now I've earned the ire of a celebrity."

"Technically, it is your fault," said Julius. "Not that I'm defending Calvina - she's an atrocious piece of shit who does not deserve her fans - but you were..."

"Gee, thanks..." said Peter, feeling a little dismayed.

"Anyway," said Atif. "I've done research on Calvina. Her father's a businessman. His company owns a factory in Ethiopia - outsourcing, of course - the factory makes shoes. I'm willing to bet child slaves make them. Not some big name company, though, so don't worry. And the company only makes shoes for women, so it's not like we're buying any."

"I bet he uses Pokemon as slaves too," said Julius.

"Also," said Atif, "Calvina has been a spokeswoman for Dolce and Gabbana, she's not a natural blonde (she's actually a brunette), she is allergic to lobster, and she has a pet gay guy to follow her around. You see the skinny guy in the speedo?" He showed an image on his computer. "That's him. His name is Scott Trickle."

"Ew," said Peter. "At least when I wear a speedo, I pick ones that actually fit me. I say we try the lobster."

"Nah," said Julius. "I don't want to get legal charges."

Peter, Julius, and Atif continued to look at the pictures, laughing at all of them. The funniest one was at a party where a piece of hot dog landed in Calvina's glass of punch. "Calvina may talk about dieting a lot," added Atif. "but unlike Peter's stepmother and stepsister, at least she does eat meat. She loves a juicy medium rare steak and would not turn it down."

"Just imagine if she was a vegetarian," said Peter.

"She was one for a while," said Atif, "but she returned to eating meat five years ago. Now she loves meat."

"Whatever," said Peter.

Later that day, Peter, Julius, and Atif went to the beach east of Mauville. Julius' father RObert took them. They wore their speedos - Peter wore a red one, Julius wore a blue one, and Atif wore a green one.

Robert, a heavy-set man with dark blue hair and clad in a black speedo, watched over them.

"Don't you boys swim out too far," he said. "I've got lunch waiting for you in case you're hungry!"

Peter, Julius, and Atif went out to the ocean and started to swim around. Before long, Atif dove under the water and started to swim around, humming the Jaws theme. He then jumped up and playfully tackled Peter.

"Sharpedo attack!" said Atif.

Peter laughed.

"He sure got you there," said Julius.

Peter looked around and smiled.

"I'm just glad that Calvina ain't here," he said. "She would never be at this beach. It's only for 'common peons', as she's probably say."

"Peons?" said Atif. "Pee on?"

"Maybe I ought to do that," said Peter. "Calvina deserves it."

"Ew, gross!" said Julius. "Don't tell me pee is part of the thing too?"

"I've gotta go pee anyway," said Peter.

When the guys went to shore (and after Peter went to the bathroom), they had lunch. Robert took out a tub of macaroni and cheese, potato wedges, kumquats, and Coca-Cola cans. The four of them started to eat.

"This food is delicious, Mr. Lindenbaum," said Atif.

"Thanks," said Robert. "I made it myself. Well...Julius helped a little."

"That Calvina," said Peter, "I'm trying to get all the dirt on her to expose her Furfrou as a fraud. I think she needs a rest."

"To be honest," said Robert, "I don't think you should be wasting all your time and effort on her. What's the big deal?"

"She just bugs me, okay?" said Peter. "Her and her mangy mutt."

"Just make peace with her," said Robert. Peter shot him an angry look. "Or, at least just move on and find something else to occupy your time. Something more productive. What about that 6000-piece jigsaw puzzle that you got for your birthday?"

"My Numel ate 100 of the pieces," said Peter, "so I had to throw the whole thing out."

"I'd rather eat all this macaroni and cheese," said Julius. "You should try my mom's mother's recipe. She puts peppers in hers."

"Green or red?" asked Peter.

"Green," said Julius.

"Then I guess your dad's is better," said Peter. "At least there's no lemon sauce." Peter hated lemon sauce.

"I saw purple peppers at the market yesterday," said Atif. "I enjoy cooking with those."

"I don't even know how to cook," said Peter.

Peter took out a kumquat and bit into it as juice slithered down his chin.

"I guess the Calvina crap can wait," he said.

"It's only Monday," said Atif. "We could wait till Friday."

"Good idea," said Robert.

"Now let's have some fun while we're here!" said Julius.

After Peter and his friends were done, they played a game of volleyball. Peter and Atif played against Julius and his father. Peter's team lost. Afterwards, Peter felt tired, so Robert took Peter and Atif back to their apartments before taking Julius home.

When Peter got back to his room, he felt really tired, so he curled up in his bed and threw the sheets over his head. After about ten minutes, Linda went inside from the balcony. She walked in to see her speedo-clad younger brother dozing off and hugging his Marth doll.

"Hi, Peter," she said. "How was the beach?"

"Good," said Peter. "Mr. Lindenbaum made lunch for us."

"Nice," said Linda. "I put a new tablecloth on the table and I picked up two gallons of milk. I'm making teriyaki chicken with noodles for dinner."

"Okay," said Peter.

"You look tired," said Linda. She heard Peter yawn. "I'll let you sleep. Soon I have to take the souffle out of the oven. I made an artichoke souffle for Trisha and Greer. Because Dad's visiting his friend in Petalburg City, they're alone, and you know how they expect Dad to do all the housework. so I decided to treat them to a little surprise."

"Is it vegan?" asked Peter.

"Of course it is," said Linda. "I try to look for recipes for Trisha. Ever since she and Greer both got banned from VeggieBoards, she's been searching for recipe tips like crazy. Don't worry - I try to give her the stuff that you don't like. You don't eat artichokes." Peter was a bit of a picky eater.

"I know," said Peter. "Thanks for not giving them the good dishes."

"No problemo," said Linda. "In about an hour and a half I have to deliver the souffle to Trisha and Greer."

Later, Linda took the souffle and left, and then she went over to her stepmother's house. She rung the doorbell. Trisha answered it.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY AWAY, YOU DICK?" she yelled, before realizing it was her stepdaughter. "Sorry. I thought it was that...that man who lives down the street. Men can't do anything right, you know."

"I know," said Linda.

Linda brought the souffle in. She decided to cook some mashed potatoes for Trisha, Greer, and herself.

"So when are you going to live like a queen?" asked Trisha.

"Um...I have an apartment to run," said Linda.

When dinner was ready, Linda put the souffle on the table.

Greer came in the room and sat down. Then Trisha sat down.

"This is good," said Greer, eating. "If only men could cook like you."

"Dad's a good cook," said Linda.

"Yeah, but he always messes up the souffle," said Greer. "Sometimes I suspect him of putting meat in it."

"Meat made from tortured animals," said Trisha. "Those male bastards feel like they have to abuse everything they control."

"Whatever," said Linda. "Just dig in to the souffle."

And that is what they did.


	5. Opportunities

**CHAPTER 5: OPPORTUNITIES**

The next day was pretty quiet since it was rainy. Peter wanted to stay at home, watch TV, play video games, and sleep. He was kinda bored. That was, until he found out that he had a doctor's appointment.

As Peter sat in the waiting room that morning, he sat in the waiting room, feeling bored. Peter hated waiting rooms - he found them torturous. He tried lying down on the chairs, but they weren't the comfortable kind.

While he was trying to rest, a little blonde girl was making noises. She was running around with her cheerleader doll, and singing along with it. A little black girl was next to her, playing with her Furby.

_Cookies! Cookies! Cookies and cream!_

_We don't like the other team!_

Peter was getting a headache from the girls and their toys. One thing that Peter could not stand was little kids - he was the type of person who thought children should be seen and not heard. After a few minutes of this nonsense, the blonde girl's father, who was talking with two ugly fat women.

"Susie," said the father, "when grown-ups are talking, little white girls and little black girls are supposed to be quiet."

"Aw, poop!" said Susie.

When Peter was called in, his doctor's appointment went fine. The doctor examined Peter's reflexes, his heart beat, and some other things. When the doctor was done examining Peter, she gave him a lollipop. Before he left, he saw something on TV.

_In other news, Calvina Radcliffe presents her Furfrou's snazzy new trim - look at that fine Heart Trim! Can you believe she actually spent more on her Furfrou than her romantic life? And the way it's eating that caviar - that dog eats better than we do._

"Well it's true," said Peter.

Peter cracked up as he saw Fleur-de-lys' new 'do. Unfortunately, there wasn't much good news on, so Peter changed the channel. The channel he picked was showing a movie about an aspiring rock star.

"Ernesto Duran is such a great actor," said Peter. "I wish he still had long hair. He does look nice with that side part, but he looked adorable with that long hair." He sighed. "I heard he broke his right index finger on the set of his latest movie and now he's in a splint. Poor guy. Stuck in a dreaded splint for a month."

Peter was entertained as he watched Ernesto Duran's character sleeping. Then he left the doctor's office and made his way back to his apartment, When he got back, he stayed in his apartment quietly, and trying to mind his own business. Then he heard a knock on the door.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY!" yelled Peter.

"Sorry," said Atif in an exasperated voice.

"Oh. sorry," said Peter. "I thought you were a Jehovah's Witness."

"Why would you think that?" asked Atif.

"Nothing," said Peter. "Sorry. It's been a long day at the doctor's office."

"Calvina still giving you trouble?" asked Atif.

"Yes," said Peter.

"Well," said Atif, "she's going to be making an appearance in Mauville tomorrow."

"That might give me an opportunity to get back at her," said Peter. "Are you with me?"

"I don't know," said Atif. "I'm beginning to rethink this whole revenge ordeal. Maybe it's best if you hold your tongue."

"Huh?" asked Peter.

"I mean be quiet," said Atif. "Stay at home if you want to."

Peter sighed, thinking it might be the right idea. But the fire in his heart was too passionate to be extinguished. Peter was in a pickle - he didn't know whether to follow his heart and crush Calvina, or follow his brain and avoid confrontation.

"I'll get back to you later," said Peter.

"Okay," said Atif. "See ya!"

After Atif left, Peter retreated to his room and remained quiet. An hour later, Linda paid him a visit.

"Peter," she said. "Dinner's ready."

"Thanks," said Peter.

Peter went into the dining room to see a plate of chicken in peanut sauce with rice - and grape soda on the side. Peter sat down and began to eat.

"How are things going?" asked Linda.

"Fine," sighed Peter.

"Is something wrong?" asked Linda.

Peter took a deep breath.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the vendetta I have against Calvina," he said. "Part of me wants to humiliate her in the most wicked way possible, but part of me wants to just crawl in a hole and hide until it's all over."

"You can't control what Calvina does," said Linda. "You can only control what you do."

"I wish I could control Calvina," said Peter.

"But you can't," said Linda. "I think it's best to stay away from her. After all, think of the Happy Hamsters' credo: turn the other cheek."

"As long as it's not stuffed with sunflower seeds," said Peter, laughing.

"Just ignore her," said Linda.

"I'll try," said Peter.

After dinner, Peter went to his friend Maria's apartment. Maria was a young woman with purple hair and eyes. She wore a green sweater vest over a white shirt and a red skirt. Maria enjoyed pulling pranks on people.

"Hello, Peter," she said. "I heard about the whole ordeal with Calvina. Do you need any advice?"

"I do," said Peter.

"Come inside," said Maria.

Maria let Peter inside her apartment and seated him on the couch. She sat down next to him.

"I heard you were considering TP'ing her house," said Maria. "I can supply you with some."

"Nah," said Peter. "I gave up on that."

"Well," said Maria, "I've been running out of ideas, so I might as well just give up too. I heard Calvina's going to be in Mauville tomorrow...but you can distract yourself by buying some of those new Happy Hamster Village Figurines they have at the toy store. Or you could go to the restaurant and get some Magnemite Croquettes. Anything would be better than getting in the way of that evil Calvina."

"Sure thing," said Peter. "I just hope my stepmother and stepsister aren't going to be in town. I'm sick of their surprise visits."

"I know," said Maria. "I saw them earlier protesting, screaming 'WOMEN ARE NOT DECORATIONS!' - boy, it's quite unfortunate that you're related to them. I also saw Julius walking by with a pair of toy handcuffs. When he saw Trisha and Greer, he got a smirk on his face. He looked like he wanted to chain them together like Angelica did to her and Chuckie."

"Don't remind me," said Peter. "When I was twelve, I accidentally handcuffed myself to Atif."

"I remember," said Maria. "That was hilarious until you lost the key. Luckily, your mom was able to get you out with a makeshift key that she made herself. She was always coming up with creative solutions."

Peter signed.

"I know," said Peter. "Boy do I miss her. I wish she was still alive."

"I do too," said Maria. "Your father was happy with her. I don't think he's doing too good with Trisha. He's basically her slave."

"I think Dad's beyond redemption," said Peter. "Trisha's brainwashed him to the point where there's no going back. I'm just going to do it on my own. It's every man for himself."


End file.
